Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Priorities
If I talked to God as much as I looked at this, I would be much better off. No more FB, Twitter, or Blogging until I'm better with God.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
What Do I Do?
"I have found a space inside of you where I feel so safe from everybody else.
take my hand, my heart, and lead me to the time where we all can start again.
Take me far away from everybody else, and I’ll keep you close."
I will call your name as I expire
It's the last thing that I'll do
I will tell them I'm with you
So now, he's next to me
But I can feel you in my heart
You're everything
You're everything he'll never be
take my hand, my heart, and lead me to the time where we all can start again.
Take me far away from everybody else, and I’ll keep you close."
Ingrid Michaelson.
I have to belong to Him.
But how do I forget about a part of me?
As I drown in lakes of fireI have to belong to Him.
But how do I forget about a part of me?
I will call your name as I expire
It's the last thing that I'll do
I will tell them I'm with you
So now, he's next to me
But I can feel you in my heart
You're everything
You're everything he'll never be
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
ugh
This whole "being myself" thing I talked about is hard. It is hard when I dont know what God wants me to do. It is just hard.
Pray for me
Pray for me
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Who I Am
So this is most likely going to be very raw, very open and honest and I plan on not holding back so before you read it, if anyone does, just keep that in mind. It's my blog so please don't get offended. I'm allowed to say what I want.
I am sitting in my dorm room at Harding. :)
I cannot express how proud I am of myself for praying about this and pursuing what I want. Not what I think everyone else expects or wants of me but what I REALLY want for me. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, coming to Harding I mean. I left someone I have clung to for 3 years, it was harder than just about anything I have ever done. Looking forward to being with my wonderful boyfriend, getting to be with my great friend, and the excitement of meeting tons of new people made very little impact on the difficulty and strength it took to actually leave. I honestly didn't know if I would be able to, but with lots of prayer and perseverance, I did it! I know Harding is where I need to be, where God is calling me to be.
I am not going to sit here and say how I want to change and be different and start over and blah blah blah because I feel like every time I do that it never sticks. I am going to say that I am so very blessed for God to have given me this opportunity. The opportunity to meet new people, make new friends and to be who I really am.
One of my biggest struggles and weaknesses is being and doing things I think other people want me to do. Lots of the time I do things I don't necessarily want to do just because my friends around me do them. That is so stupid of me. Why would I have lived 19 years of my life doing things I don't want to just because I want friends and the ones I'm around do those things? Wow, I feel dumb. I don't judge people who don't drink at parties, or just skip the parties altogether. I don't look bad on people who don't smoke pot and leave when it's around. I don't like the scene and the association that is brought on when I am around and do those things. So why have I been doing them? Because I am afraid to be myself? Because it's easier to please other people?
What about the less serious stuff? For example, I LOVE pictures. I love being in them, I love taking them, I love having the memories. You might think it's a little silly to want pictures of everyday things or just when friends hang out and are not even really dong anything, but I love it and that's okay but for some reason I have taken tremendously less pictures for a while that I have really wanted to take because I have been influenced by those around me.
I also love getting dressed up, but have found myself feeling silly for doing it when I am around certain people. People I should be the most comfortable with even. Why? Am I really that insecure?
I also expect a lot from the people I care about. I want honesty and trust and loyalty. I want them to be the best they can. There is nothing wrong with that, but for a long time I have let a lot of things slide just because it seems easier to let people do whatever they want and not acknowledge it or honestly sometimes even care. I don't mean to say I don't accept my friends for who they are, I mean God tells us to hold each other to a higher standard. After all, we all should strive to be more like Christ and I don't know about you, but it impacts me much more when people I care about notice my mistakes or short comings and support change and encourage better decisions. I don't plan on picking out every flaw of everyone I care about by any means, I hope you understand what I mean.
Well enough is enough. If I want to dress up I will. If I don't want to smoke, or even be around it, I most definitely won't be. I feel like I have not been fair to my friends and my boyfriend when I act in ways I don't want to. You don't know who I really am if I just go along with whatever you want. I'm sorry to everyone for that. I don't mean I do things all the time or in every aspect of my life, but just like the examples I gave and in a few other ways. I also don't mean it's because of other people I do things I shouldn't. I am never forwardly pressured. I have pressured myself. My actions are my fault and no one else's.
I also realize that I am a very relationship based person. I pick a few people and put a lot of feelings and emotions into them. So why do I have flings, and why have I in the past hooked up or even talked to guys just to simply do that. In my heart I have absolutely no desire to meet a guy at a party and shamelessly flirt and possibly even hook up with him. Why have a had so many meaningless relationships? My justification for many of them is "it's just fun. it's no big deal. they are interested, even though really I am not it's attention so why not? " I have to laugh at my stupidity because I have honestly said those things to myself before. I hate the reputation I have had in the past but it's all my fault. Why on earth would I kiss someone I don't want to? Why would I sleep with them? That is so unbelievably stupid and dumb and embarrassing but true. I am with Brian, who I care about a lot and the last actual relationship I was in was with Chris, but what about the 7 or so guys I dated (or whatever I chose to call it) in between? Really Alyssa?
I really wish I had been more true to myself in the past. I know I would be happier and healthier if I had simply just acted out who I was and wanted to be. I guess my life has happened the way it has and every decision I have ever made has been the way it was supposed to be because it was molded me into who I am today, I just wish I would have been a little smarter.
I am who I am. I am going to act on it as well. I will be Alyssa, the real Alyssa, ALL the time.
I will get genuinely super excited about silly, sometimes insignificant unimportant things.
I will put my whole, true heart into whatever I want no matter if people around me think it's silly or a waste.
I will love with everything I have and hold nothing back, even if most people would be more reserved and put up barriers of protection.
I will enjoy everything I do more because I will only do things I agree with and believe in.
For my friends, I hope you want to know who I really am. Some of you do. I hope you love me for me. I love you for you, that's part of the reason I go along with what you want and do.
Pray for me. I am praying for you.
Thank you God for the courage to do this, and write it down.
I feel like it's not just thoughts floating in my head now, I want whoever reads this to hold me accountable.
I am sitting in my dorm room at Harding. :)
I cannot express how proud I am of myself for praying about this and pursuing what I want. Not what I think everyone else expects or wants of me but what I REALLY want for me. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, coming to Harding I mean. I left someone I have clung to for 3 years, it was harder than just about anything I have ever done. Looking forward to being with my wonderful boyfriend, getting to be with my great friend, and the excitement of meeting tons of new people made very little impact on the difficulty and strength it took to actually leave. I honestly didn't know if I would be able to, but with lots of prayer and perseverance, I did it! I know Harding is where I need to be, where God is calling me to be.
I am not going to sit here and say how I want to change and be different and start over and blah blah blah because I feel like every time I do that it never sticks. I am going to say that I am so very blessed for God to have given me this opportunity. The opportunity to meet new people, make new friends and to be who I really am.
One of my biggest struggles and weaknesses is being and doing things I think other people want me to do. Lots of the time I do things I don't necessarily want to do just because my friends around me do them. That is so stupid of me. Why would I have lived 19 years of my life doing things I don't want to just because I want friends and the ones I'm around do those things? Wow, I feel dumb. I don't judge people who don't drink at parties, or just skip the parties altogether. I don't look bad on people who don't smoke pot and leave when it's around. I don't like the scene and the association that is brought on when I am around and do those things. So why have I been doing them? Because I am afraid to be myself? Because it's easier to please other people?
What about the less serious stuff? For example, I LOVE pictures. I love being in them, I love taking them, I love having the memories. You might think it's a little silly to want pictures of everyday things or just when friends hang out and are not even really dong anything, but I love it and that's okay but for some reason I have taken tremendously less pictures for a while that I have really wanted to take because I have been influenced by those around me.
I also love getting dressed up, but have found myself feeling silly for doing it when I am around certain people. People I should be the most comfortable with even. Why? Am I really that insecure?
I also expect a lot from the people I care about. I want honesty and trust and loyalty. I want them to be the best they can. There is nothing wrong with that, but for a long time I have let a lot of things slide just because it seems easier to let people do whatever they want and not acknowledge it or honestly sometimes even care. I don't mean to say I don't accept my friends for who they are, I mean God tells us to hold each other to a higher standard. After all, we all should strive to be more like Christ and I don't know about you, but it impacts me much more when people I care about notice my mistakes or short comings and support change and encourage better decisions. I don't plan on picking out every flaw of everyone I care about by any means, I hope you understand what I mean.
Well enough is enough. If I want to dress up I will. If I don't want to smoke, or even be around it, I most definitely won't be. I feel like I have not been fair to my friends and my boyfriend when I act in ways I don't want to. You don't know who I really am if I just go along with whatever you want. I'm sorry to everyone for that. I don't mean I do things all the time or in every aspect of my life, but just like the examples I gave and in a few other ways. I also don't mean it's because of other people I do things I shouldn't. I am never forwardly pressured. I have pressured myself. My actions are my fault and no one else's.
I also realize that I am a very relationship based person. I pick a few people and put a lot of feelings and emotions into them. So why do I have flings, and why have I in the past hooked up or even talked to guys just to simply do that. In my heart I have absolutely no desire to meet a guy at a party and shamelessly flirt and possibly even hook up with him. Why have a had so many meaningless relationships? My justification for many of them is "it's just fun. it's no big deal. they are interested, even though really I am not it's attention so why not? " I have to laugh at my stupidity because I have honestly said those things to myself before. I hate the reputation I have had in the past but it's all my fault. Why on earth would I kiss someone I don't want to? Why would I sleep with them? That is so unbelievably stupid and dumb and embarrassing but true. I am with Brian, who I care about a lot and the last actual relationship I was in was with Chris, but what about the 7 or so guys I dated (or whatever I chose to call it) in between? Really Alyssa?
I really wish I had been more true to myself in the past. I know I would be happier and healthier if I had simply just acted out who I was and wanted to be. I guess my life has happened the way it has and every decision I have ever made has been the way it was supposed to be because it was molded me into who I am today, I just wish I would have been a little smarter.
I am who I am. I am going to act on it as well. I will be Alyssa, the real Alyssa, ALL the time.
I will get genuinely super excited about silly, sometimes insignificant unimportant things.
I will put my whole, true heart into whatever I want no matter if people around me think it's silly or a waste.
I will love with everything I have and hold nothing back, even if most people would be more reserved and put up barriers of protection.
I will enjoy everything I do more because I will only do things I agree with and believe in.
For my friends, I hope you want to know who I really am. Some of you do. I hope you love me for me. I love you for you, that's part of the reason I go along with what you want and do.
Pray for me. I am praying for you.
Thank you God for the courage to do this, and write it down.
I feel like it's not just thoughts floating in my head now, I want whoever reads this to hold me accountable.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
No Good
I have decided tonight that I have been letting myself down. I cant change how people act and how they treat me but I CAN choose to treat others the way I should. I CAN decide to have a good attitude despite my situation and I CAN choose to be kind even when I dont want to be.
Lord, help me.
Lord, help me.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Take this from me
Dear Lord Jesus, I need to feel you here with me. My heart is hard, I am so filled with hate my vision is blurred. Help me to forgive just like You have forgiven me time and time again. Help me to let go and loosen my grip on this grudge. I am mad, so very mad that things had to happen this way, I was hurt so much, used, and now I am just supposed to let it go and move on with my life? The scars are still there, the pain is still real. Lord, I need Your help, I need Your guidance, cover me with Your healing hand and take this from me. I know what to do, I know I need to let everything go but it feels impossible at this point in time to do that. I want to yell, I want to hit, I want to hurt those who hurt me. Is it wrong to want something so bad, so strongly? Take this burden from me! I do not want to have my heart filled with so much hate when there are so many good things in my life. I have so much love, and am given so much in return yet this hatred is still lingering. Take it Lord. I only want to be filled with You, with Your love and compassion. Have mercy on those who have wronged me. Forgive them and help me to do the same.
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